Cut the Bullshit: The GTA franchise is fucking horrible

Ok, let’s cut the bullshit. Saints Row 2 is hands down, THE goddamn sandbox game out there at the moment. Period. Until APB comes out and proves it’s dominance, SR2 get’s to keep it’s crown, as it has done everything right that GTA has fucked up over the last 6+ years and it’s even got full blown co-op.

“But MrWhitefolks – Everyone is giving all the praise to the GTA series. How can you say such a thing?”

It’s simple really. GTA as a series, no, a FRANCHISE has not lived up to the expectations we (should) have as a gaming community. The evolution of the franchise itself has been slow and horrid, while it’s competition has either fixed or addressed most (if not all) complaints the genre has had. Rockstar on the other hand, seems completely content to sit there and continually put out titles that are filled with issues, both from a thematic and gameplay standpoint – as well as shoehorning gimmicks into these games as a half assed attempt at providing “realism” to it’s fans.

1) Fuck the world “realism” when it comes to a sandbox game. NO SANDBOX GAME ON THE PLANET IS “REALISTIC”. Not one. Sure, GTA4’s aesthetic may be far more realistic LOOKING than say, Crackdown or Destroy All Humans … but the game flow, engine, and design style isn’t. At it’s core, a sandbox game is one that you (the player) can run ramshod in, doing what you please and taking the main narrative story line missions at your leisure. Whether it’s taking down North Korea, fighting off wave after wave of gangbangers with your super cop, assaulting area 51 in your spaceship, or hitting up Freckle Bitch’s for a funbag … the genre’s inherent design is to let the player do what they want, when they want.

The secondary problem with this is that longtime fans (and journalists) continually overlook the major flaws in the GTA franchise (controls for driving, combat, mission design, etc) by using the word “realistic” as a free pass for mediocrity. We as a community of not only gamers, but consumers – shouldn’t have to deal with shoddy controls or a messy combat system solely because the developer decided to be lazy. This is a cop-out by both fans and critics alike, and it’s only letting the developer get away with wonton fuckery when it comes to this AAA franchise. Realism doesn’t mean a game has to control like a bag of molasses and dick, get over yourselves.

2) Rockstar’s narrative for it’s title(s) has rarely changed, and it’s blatant stereotypical use of “minority must right wrongs by being a criminal” is fucking tired. The flow of the plot line is almost always the same, with the titular character being brought into a town and shown around by a local friend or fellow criminal, then set off to mix and mingle with all sorts of douchebags on their way to “get rich or die trying”. Rockstar doesn’t even bother to take time to make fun of itself, as it’s narrative is shoved so far up it’s own ass – that they don’t realize that the ’seriousness’ of it all is laughably bad.

How many times are we going to be introduced to some random asshole that needs “a job” done, whose personality is on key with what you’d expect from a Tyler Perry sitcom? If GTA isn’t assaulting your senses with ‘tributes’ on west coast rap or that overhyped as all fuck film Scarface, then it’s attempting to make you feel BAD for the character you’re playing, so that you justify being a full blown criminal retard in the story. Look, I love me some story in my sandbox games – but if I have to sit through one more goddamn ‘cut scene’ with my protagonist whining about his past, I’m gonna shit my fucking brains out all over my shoulders (those of you who’ve played SR2 know what I mean when I say “Thank god for Johnny Gat” – that one character has a more developed arc than the entirety of the GTA franchise’s MAIN PLAYERS, and he’s a goddamn sidekick).

3) When the game becomes a chore, it’s not fun. I don’t play games to feel like I’m at work. That’s what WORK is for. So when I come home I don’t want to have to take my gangster, mafioso, or eastern-euro emo and go to the gym, collect money, or take people out to drink. It’s fucking retarded and it adds absolutely NOTHING to the experience. This isn’t the goddamn Sims, it’s an action ridden, crime laced SANDBOX game.

Oh, and don’t give me that “you don’t have to do them” bullshit answer either, as we ALL know that if you want to move forward in the narrative (which in GTA series titles means “the only way you’ll open up the rest of the map”), then you HAVE to answer your phone and take some dumb bitch bowling.

4) Why do the cars in this franchise control like hot ass? When was it decided that no matter the title (including GTA4), if you were driving anything bigger than a Honda Civic, that it was about as intuitive to drive as a tank that’s covered in KFC’s brown gravy(without treads)? How the hell people can sit there and say that this “enhances” the experience at all is beyond me. Nowhere in any facet of game design did I have the understanding that making the mobility of the character UN-INTUITIVE was a great gameplay decision. Rockstar is in dire need of getting off this “realism” kick and get back to what made their games good to begin with – BEING FUN (remember GTA1 and 2? Remember how those were FUN?).

Oh, and let’s not get started on the idea that it’s taken them over FIVE (GTA3/VC/SA/and BOTH PSP “Stories”) titles since GTA2 to release a 3D sandbox title with the option for the player to shoot freely while moving. Are they not confident enough in their engine to allow us to control where we shoot? Do they lack the ability to make it intuitive? Why in the holy fuck is this still an issue when every OTHER good sandbox title allows the player to not only intuitive DRIVE any vehicle, but at the same time fire at will with a free look system that is STANDARD (and not tied to a goddamn button combination) – regardless of their position?

Are you starting to see the issue I’m having now? Mercenaries, Crackdown, Destroy All Humans AND Saints Row 2 have fixed almost every major complaint we’ve had with the sandbox genre that were put in place (originally) by Rockstar’s GTA franchise … and somehow GTA4, with it’s god awful plotline, horrible mission design, shoddy controls, gimmick laden experience, and forced babysitting STILL scored 9s and 10s across the board (while these far more competent titles were passed over or scored lower for being a “clone”, even when they were the ones fixing the latent issues that GTA presented to being with).

I just find it maddening, that somehow a title like Saints Row 2, which offers a far more intuitive and worthwhile experience; that has countless things to do (almost all of which are enjoyable and FUN), more options for customization, ownable property, investing options for monetary kickbacks, and an extremely solid narrative that never takes itself too seriously (not to mention a brilliant control scheme) – was balked at by the “journalists” and “fans”, while they flocked to a game that without it’s overhyped physics engine and aesthetic (I have to credit Rockstar on that one, GTA4 looked fucking GORGEOUS) was by and large, a horrible experience overall (even including multiplayer – which allowed RANKED matches to include auto-aim; who the fuck thought that was a good idea?).

Oh, and a side note must be stated that the “world” in GTA4 is boring as hell. Pedestrians hardly ever do anything other than walk their pre-determined routes, so all that talk about adaptive and self aware AI didn’t mean shit. However, just leaving your character on any random street corner in Saints Row 2 will give witness to all kinds of insanity. From flashers and streakers to old people mumbling about being in “the war”, hoes fighting pimps, cops and gangs shooting each other, cheerleaders, goth kids whining about not getting enough attention, ninjas fighting pirates, rap battles, mimes, and countless other things are just GOING ON in this world. While SR2 is easy beaten in it’s aesthetic department by GTA4, the experience as a whole is far more robust and fulfilling than Rockstar’s half assed attempt at a next gen sandbox title..