That’s is, after all, how you get to Carnegie Hall.

It’s already fact and a half that Tarantino pioneered the dialogue heavy crime dramas. He even went above and beyond turning a few heads with the revenge film genre – now you can add period piece and foreign film to his list of accomplishments. The story this time around for me was very engaging – head and shoulders above the action it’s his best (so far). But this isn’t really about what I think so much as what may help you better get into what is going on.

First order of business the film is more than 50% of the time in another language besides English; which I feel is the smartest and best way to handle the material therein – but for the QT fan going in expecting ‘who knows what’ – This story takes place in Nazi occupied France; so it is kind of a given that most of the players will speak another language or two (or three). And this is not ‘Star Trek’ where the foreign language goes in for about five or six words deep before they switch gears into English – just letting you know.

The story itself begins in 1942. A “Jew Hunter” Nazi Colonel, by the name of Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz), searches out suspect Jews hidden throughout Nazi occupied France – and systematically has them destroyed on sight. However on this particular day he was feeling extra generous and allowed himself to let a Jew girl escape; in a scene that almost mirrors something out of a Sergio Leone film – but different; as if to psyche out the ‘know-it-all’ film critic. Roughly 2 years later in 1944 – a crack team of American Jews has been assembled by one Lieutenant Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) in to doing one thing and one thing only… “killing Nazzys”. And killing they do – and they kill them Nazzys pretty good. Even more so with the tenacity and style you can expect from a Basterd.

What I’m happy to share with you is the quality of this piece – it really for truly is one of the best Tarantino films in a log ass while. Kill Bill and Death Proof where pretty fucking good too; but Basterds takes it back more to the story telling days of Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction with the dynamic word play and – just on a higher level of storytelling. It has just been a long while since I was really into the story of a film – or even cared of the outcome of some of its characters. If you make the mistake of looking for action beats every couple minutes this is not that movie. Kill Bill and Death Proof were pretty good for it – but this I story time and you will get your Tarantino trademark moments aplenty from your Mexican stand-off to your clever word play, even Sam Jackson (more or less) drops a couple lines; and if you ‘re into Tarantino edition of Trivial Trivia there’s even a character relation between at least one of the key players and another character from a previous Tarantino story – here’s a hint: “The Bear Jew”.

As Sgt. Donny “The Bear Jew” Donowitz (the Basterd’s goto guy) actor Eli Roth made the character work; so glad Adam Sandler passed on that shit because Eli was totally that guy. For those not in the know Eli Roth is a director himself – also he bulked up for the role to look like a guy who actually swings a bat for pleasure and even put in a little time behind the camera with his brother Gabriel directing a segment for use in the movie. Another Basterd by the name Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz played by Til Schweiger – Is not much of a talker … well you’ll just have to go see for yourself on that one. He was actually in Uwe Boll’s Far Cry movie, which I haven’t seen but I recognized his face from the poster art (can you even refer to poster images as art these days?).

The revenge film dynamic based around Mélanie Laurent’s character Shosanna Dreyfus had me on edge and really feeling for the character – even up to the end. This show is full of amazing moments and very intense and visceral performances – definitely on my short list of the best movies there is; I would be shocked and offended if this one doesn’t make it to the Oscars – for Christoph Waltz.

G.I. Joe is the sneak attack hit for the 2009 summer movie season – staying close to its animation roots as it delivers on the Hollywood formula that it has always followed since 1983. Very clear and defined Good Guys with very clear and defined Bad Guys that go after a MacGuffin – in this case warheads whose properties include a nanotechnology or something or other. Point being that the nanotechnology warheads only serve to move the story along but ultimately doesn’t have any direct effect on the outcome on battle between good and the bad.

For those out of the loop or on the fence about the story of this incarnation of G.I. Joe it  goes something like this … A Scotsman by the name of James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) has created a nanotechnology-based weapon with the capacity to destroy an entire city – almost on command with the help of a remote control that keeps the nano-mites in-check. McCullen’s company MARS (Military Armaments Research Syndicate) sells four warheads to NATO; and a US Army Ops team is tasked with delivery of said warheads.

This is when Duke Hauser (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) come into play as they are part of the convoy delivering the warheads – up until they get their asses handed to them by a yet to be identified aircraft by a (Cobra) Viper squad led by Baroness (Sienna Miller). During the assault the Baroness is recognized by her ex-fiancé Duke (what are the chances) and identified as Ana Lewis.

Just as the Baroness is about to deliver the coup de grâce on that ass – A crack team from the ‘Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity’ arrive to save the day and show up the bad guys.

The action beats in the show alone are well worth the price of admission – much like the show the movie features a wealth of gadgets and tech-weapons that would make a Double-O agent envious; including a fight suit that renders its user near invisible and the much maligned Delta-6 accelerator suits.

The Delta-6 accelerator suits were probably the hardest sell – mostly because they look so fucking goofy. But how the scene plays out and more-so important is why France – the issue I had with the suits were the furthest on my mind. Short of spoiling as to why part of the G.I. Joe movie looked more like ‘Team America: World Police’ was pretty much justified from the start of the picture. Right away it was the intention of the people involved with this movie that they did not want to give the impression you are about to see your average; by the numbers, re-telling of a Saturday morning cartoon remake brought to the silver screen. In fact it IS your by the numbers re-telling of a Saturday Morning cartoon adventure – it works in the favor of the movie as a lot of the elements presented smack of the mini-series storyline called  ‘the M.A.S.S. Device’.

It’s no secret that the G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Season 1 DVDs were re-released by Sony’s Shout Factory. It just so happens that I picked it up and watched it a couple nights prior to seeing G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. The rundown on the mini-series is that Destro has developed a laser that can teleport a large mass, like say ‘a building’, and teleport it to somewhere else in the world – as an example of its power one of the first primary targets is the Eifel tower – I KNOW! ~What are the odds indeed.

Even the epic showdown for one of the last major ingredients’ that powers the M.A.S.S. Device is “hard water” which is found in one of the lowest places in the ocean and protected by tube worms .. I am totally not making this up – welcome to the Row 1980s. The moment in this scene were the toyetic shark shaped water vehicles used to fend off the giant tube worms; the same like-type scenario and vehicles … directly referred to as SHARKS (or something) made it into the movie. Even in the M.A.S.S. Device episode there was a snow scene too – where Snake Eyes sacrificed his safety to deliver a key ingredient for the Joes’ M.A.S.S. Device by exposing himself to radioactive (red) smoke and marched his ass across the frozen terrain un-checked by the Cobra operatives who just let him pass. There was a scene like that somewhat but it doesn’t count (much) due to context … but obviously the similarities go a little beyond coincidence.

It’s very clear whoever worked on the story watched at LEAST the first season of G.I. Joe and knew enough to research the characters to an extent to keep some of the dynamics on point. Integrating a more international dynamic is nothing new for G.I. Joe believe it or don’t – it can be best summed up as the “Russian G.I. Joe” counter-parts called the October Guard. The Soviet special operations unit; usually referred to as an equivalent of/to G.I. Joe.

The October Guard is made up of members from Warsaw Pact countries like East Germany, Czech Republic, and Georgia. To say they’re Russian would be somewhat of a misnomer. Unlike G.I. Joe, the team is composed of just a small squad and most members do not sport fancy codenames. These guys were first introduced in the Marvel Comics continuity of G.I. Joe – and did make an appearance in the TV series.

ANYWHO ~before the G.I. Joe trivia parade came to town. I do want to get in that the MVP of the movie for me was Zartan played by Arnold Vosloo. This mother fucker had like maybe 2 minutes worth of screen time but worked that shit like a pimp – with his one-liners, a knife and celebratory whistle to the tune of ‘for he’s a jolly good fellow’. I am very curious to see how his story plays out for and when the G.I. Joe sequel comes to play.

Obviously a big emphasis was put on Snake Eyes – so it’s pretty much a given with Ray Park in the role, he’s going to bring the thunder. And he put on quite a show with Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow – in the movie they managed to slip in a bit of the back story that leads to the Snake Eyes vs. Storm Shadow conflict; but it’s a re-telling .. and somewhat vague. As a fan I refuse to believe Storm Shadow was at fault for what went down but there isn’t really anything else to counter the claim that he did; of course you’ll have to see the movie to know what I’m on about – armed with the knowledge of how this story was explained in past incarnations of G.I. Joe.

As for Destro’s “mask” and how the terrorist organization Cobra play into all this? You’ll have to get off the fence and go see the movie.

“But MrWhitefolks – Everyone is giving all the praise to the GTA series. How can you say such a thing?”

It’s simple really. GTA as a series, no, a FRANCHISE has not lived up to the expectations we (should) have as a gaming community. The evolution of the franchise itself has been slow and horrid, while it’s competition has either fixed or addressed most (if not all) complaints the genre has had. Rockstar on the other hand, seems completely content to sit there and continually put out titles that are filled with issues, both from a thematic and gameplay standpoint – as well as shoehorning gimmicks into these games as a half assed attempt at providing “realism” to it’s fans.

1) Fuck the world “realism” when it comes to a sandbox game. NO SANDBOX GAME ON THE PLANET IS “REALISTIC”. Not one. Sure, GTA4’s aesthetic may be far more realistic LOOKING than say, Crackdown or Destroy All Humans … but the game flow, engine, and design style isn’t. At it’s core, a sandbox game is one that you (the player) can run ramshod in, doing what you please and taking the main narrative story line missions at your leisure. Whether it’s taking down North Korea, fighting off wave after wave of gangbangers with your super cop, assaulting area 51 in your spaceship, or hitting up Freckle Bitch’s for a funbag … the genre’s inherent design is to let the player do what they want, when they want.

The secondary problem with this is that longtime fans (and journalists) continually overlook the major flaws in the GTA franchise (controls for driving, combat, mission design, etc) by using the word “realistic” as a free pass for mediocrity. We as a community of not only gamers, but consumers – shouldn’t have to deal with shoddy controls or a messy combat system solely because the developer decided to be lazy. This is a cop-out by both fans and critics alike, and it’s only letting the developer get away with wonton fuckery when it comes to this AAA franchise. Realism doesn’t mean a game has to control like a bag of molasses and dick, get over yourselves.

2) Rockstar’s narrative for it’s title(s) has rarely changed, and it’s blatant stereotypical use of “minority must right wrongs by being a criminal” is fucking tired. The flow of the plot line is almost always the same, with the titular character being brought into a town and shown around by a local friend or fellow criminal, then set off to mix and mingle with all sorts of douchebags on their way to “get rich or die trying”. Rockstar doesn’t even bother to take time to make fun of itself, as it’s narrative is shoved so far up it’s own ass – that they don’t realize that the ’seriousness’ of it all is laughably bad.

How many times are we going to be introduced to some random asshole that needs “a job” done, whose personality is on key with what you’d expect from a Tyler Perry sitcom? If GTA isn’t assaulting your senses with ‘tributes’ on west coast rap or that overhyped as all fuck film Scarface, then it’s attempting to make you feel BAD for the character you’re playing, so that you justify being a full blown criminal retard in the story. Look, I love me some story in my sandbox games – but if I have to sit through one more goddamn ‘cut scene’ with my protagonist whining about his past, I’m gonna shit my fucking brains out all over my shoulders (those of you who’ve played SR2 know what I mean when I say “Thank god for Johnny Gat” – that one character has a more developed arc than the entirety of the GTA franchise’s MAIN PLAYERS, and he’s a goddamn sidekick).

3) When the game becomes a chore, it’s not fun. I don’t play games to feel like I’m at work. That’s what WORK is for. So when I come home I don’t want to have to take my gangster, mafioso, or eastern-euro emo and go to the gym, collect money, or take people out to drink. It’s fucking retarded and it adds absolutely NOTHING to the experience. This isn’t the goddamn Sims, it’s an action ridden, crime laced SANDBOX game.

Oh, and don’t give me that “you don’t have to do them” bullshit answer either, as we ALL know that if you want to move forward in the narrative (which in GTA series titles means “the only way you’ll open up the rest of the map”), then you HAVE to answer your phone and take some dumb bitch bowling.

4) Why do the cars in this franchise control like hot ass? When was it decided that no matter the title (including GTA4), if you were driving anything bigger than a Honda Civic, that it was about as intuitive to drive as a tank that’s covered in KFC’s brown gravy(without treads)? How the hell people can sit there and say that this “enhances” the experience at all is beyond me. Nowhere in any facet of game design did I have the understanding that making the mobility of the character UN-INTUITIVE was a great gameplay decision. Rockstar is in dire need of getting off this “realism” kick and get back to what made their games good to begin with – BEING FUN (remember GTA1 and 2? Remember how those were FUN?).

Oh, and let’s not get started on the idea that it’s taken them over FIVE (GTA3/VC/SA/and BOTH PSP “Stories”) titles since GTA2 to release a 3D sandbox title with the option for the player to shoot freely while moving. Are they not confident enough in their engine to allow us to control where we shoot? Do they lack the ability to make it intuitive? Why in the holy fuck is this still an issue when every OTHER good sandbox title allows the player to not only intuitive DRIVE any vehicle, but at the same time fire at will with a free look system that is STANDARD (and not tied to a goddamn button combination) – regardless of their position?

Are you starting to see the issue I’m having now? Mercenaries, Crackdown, Destroy All Humans AND Saints Row 2 have fixed almost every major complaint we’ve had with the sandbox genre that were put in place (originally) by Rockstar’s GTA franchise … and somehow GTA4, with it’s god awful plotline, horrible mission design, shoddy controls, gimmick laden experience, and forced babysitting STILL scored 9s and 10s across the board (while these far more competent titles were passed over or scored lower for being a “clone”, even when they were the ones fixing the latent issues that GTA presented to being with).

I just find it maddening, that somehow a title like Saints Row 2, which offers a far more intuitive and worthwhile experience; that has countless things to do (almost all of which are enjoyable and FUN), more options for customization, ownable property, investing options for monetary kickbacks, and an extremely solid narrative that never takes itself too seriously (not to mention a brilliant control scheme) – was balked at by the “journalists” and “fans”, while they flocked to a game that without it’s overhyped physics engine and aesthetic (I have to credit Rockstar on that one, GTA4 looked fucking GORGEOUS) was by and large, a horrible experience overall (even including multiplayer – which allowed RANKED matches to include auto-aim; who the fuck thought that was a good idea?).

Oh, and a side note must be stated that the “world” in GTA4 is boring as hell. Pedestrians hardly ever do anything other than walk their pre-determined routes, so all that talk about adaptive and self aware AI didn’t mean shit. However, just leaving your character on any random street corner in Saints Row 2 will give witness to all kinds of insanity. From flashers and streakers to old people mumbling about being in “the war”, hoes fighting pimps, cops and gangs shooting each other, cheerleaders, goth kids whining about not getting enough attention, ninjas fighting pirates, rap battles, mimes, and countless other things are just GOING ON in this world. While SR2 is easy beaten in it’s aesthetic department by GTA4, the experience as a whole is far more robust and fulfilling than Rockstar’s half assed attempt at a next gen sandbox title..

Previously . . . in the first Transformers two extraterrestrial clans finds its way to Earth in a race to find a mystical MacGuffin called the ‘All Spark’ that would grant unlimited power to whosoever possessed it. The hero aliens called ‘Autobots’, wanted to keep the ‘All Spark’ artifact away from the not so good and plenty evil bad aliens called ‘Decepticons’; both possessed on some level clues of the whereabouts to this ‘ultimate power’ – of course all this with no idea where to begin their searches except that it’s the planet called ‘Earth’ is where the last known communication regarding the location of this All spark was transmitted from. It’s about at this point the gears shift to tell the tale of a boy and his car – and the robot civil war that would forever change the lives of the people involved and later entrusted to uphold the peace … until one day.

Okay, more like two years later. This is where the main story that makes up ‘Revenge of the Fallen’ begins – although this time around (for some reason) it is never really clear what kind of story this is going to be or where and when it begins – if at all. It kicks off with a flashback type of sub-explanation about the origins of when the robot race from Cybertron had an encounter with humans; based on the lack of details provided in the beginning it is explained later in the movie that the events that took place pre-dates even the current generation of Cybertronian factions; although the Decepticons seem to have a better record of the events as they have direct contact with one of the Cybertronians that were there; referred to as the titular ‘Fallen’ – a name designation put on him considering the events that took place that ended with him getting kicked out of the caveman robot club he was a part of.

After the brief half-explanation of events past we flash forward to the present; the time the story takes place is referred to as “Today” – which happens to be about two years later from the events that went down in the first movie. The Autobots have remained on Earth and have formed an alliance with the humans, with the express intention to defend against the remaining hidden army of Decepticons that have posted up on Earth for, quote-end-quote, “reasons” unknown. During what can only be one of several missions the Autobot team and the International collaborative efforts of the human military forces – they arrive to the industrial section of Shanghai en pursuit of Decepticon cells that are operating around the world for reasons unknown.

The term ‘unknown’ and indicators like ‘unexplained’ are going to come up A LOT in regards to this movie as so much goes unchecked and unexplained story wise – Things like the showdown in Shanghai for example; the action takes place but there is no real closure to any of it. Since this was the start of the movie you can only assume that later they explain better about what is going on . . but alas this doesn’t ever really happen except that during the whole Shanghai thing they manage to pinch off the whole “the fallen shall return” revenge type speech by a downed and beaten Decepticon. It’s about this time that the story shifts gears to play catch up with the Witwicky family and as all things they’re living life a day at a time and Sam is on his way out of his folks’ house for college.

So even with the big spectacular Michael Bay style start the story pretty much plateaus from there – there are some action beats and funny bits tossed in; but any of the character development that motivated the actions of the first movie were totally void in this film. Even if those elements were in place they were totally overshadowed by the amount of action it’s hard to find where what begins and ends until the credits pop up – by this time your butt is so numb you just kind of spill out of your chair and roll down the theater steps like a broken slinky. So the negatives in this film are lack of heart and passion and a sense of purpose or urgency to anything – all bets were off when the throw down in the woods came about. Pretty incredible scene by the way but when you really assess the film up to this point – the one character that was pretty much holding this nonsense together and giving it any kind of gravitas was single handedly handed his ass despite his best effort in vain – then unceremoniously dumped off like the victim of a drive-by drop off at the hospital doors while the guiltless freaks that took him down run away.

This is about the point where details kind of seem to blend into a kind of quest for the new MacGuffen in the form of the ‘Matrix of Leadership’. What is the Matrix? In the context of this movie it is a battery that powers a mechanical pyramid. It has the capacity (apparently) to suck the energy out of the sun and convert it into ‘Energon’. Much like the movie itself can suck all the enthusiasm for a resolution; you just want it to end.

The whole Energon thing and a great number of other things in this movie never seemed to be a problem before. Like the Fallen – I was actually kind of looking forward to him mostly because I wanted to see a really pissed off robot tank that was on fire and kicking some serious ass; it was also (potentially) a direct lead into Unicron – the Transformer so fucking huge he was a planet. Things like time and space doesn’t seem to make a difference or grounds for concern to the robots in this film – or the humans in some aspects. Rules applied to the first film seem to kind of be forgotten in this film as well. For example in the first film there was a little fight between Sam and Frenzy (a radio) with the end result being Mikaela giving Frenzy the business with a power saw with Sam kicking Frenzy’s head up and over a hill – in where the damaged Frenzy is able to adapt a new form based on the relative mass of his head into a cell phone out of Mikaela’s purse. In this movie they hit one with a car and that’s the end of that – not even an obligatory boo scare revenge scene or nothing; this character just drops the fuck off. Buts it’s okay .. the story shifts to Egypt (somehow). That thing I mentioned about time and space; did you know that there is an airplane graveyard situated directly behind the Smithsonian National Air & Space Museum? Well it IS – a full blown desert in the middle of Washington DC!

WHICH, by the way, not many people realize that on screen history is unfolding. No film studio, especially a foreign film studio has ever been permitted to film the Egyptian Pyramids let alone be within X amount of feet of them or allowed anyone to climb the Pyramids and let it be filmed. John Turturro got to climb one.

Back to the movie – since this was the second one I know I was looking for more depth and not so much filler. I was totally unimpressed with the direction of the story and the way many of the characters were represented this time out – characters that drove the story in the first one and you actually cared about were regulated to bit players. The new characters introduced into the mix brought not a good got damn thing to the experience or where over hyped and under delivered – and in some cases played out like school on a Sunday (no class).

Would I recommend the movie? Yeah – with the express understanding that this movie advances nothing set out from the first one. It is by no means a movie you can take a little kid to – the Autobots (the heroes mind you) are some of the most aggressive foul-mouthed characters in the whole lot. Sam and Mikaela – most of which the first movie seemed to revolve around; they get rung through the Michael Bay style romance trip that NEVER worked in his movies before – why even try for it now?

So back to now .. this movie is in a pretty interesting place in that it is not by any means the best example for an argument for the title of greatest sequels since Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Superman II, Star Trek: Wrath of Kahn or even Spider-Man 2 – but it’s going to make a lot of fucking money.

An icon. An artist. A legend. Michael Jackson the man who changed Pop culture forever; has died at the age of 50 on June 25, 2009

Words escape to describe the loss of the Gloved One; Our condolences from the crew here at Pimp-Productions.com to the people and especially to the Jackson Children; Prince Michael, Paris, Prince ‘Blanket’ Michael II directly affected by their loss – our hearts go out to them with our prayers to help guide them from all hurt, harm and danger with our thanks and much respect to Mr. Michael Jackson for 40 years of Magic.

Bad: Without the ties to the GB franchise, this would’ve been nothing more than just another 3rd person shooter. Very straightforward level design (while making sure the player never gets lost), leaves you on a constant linear pace of “move to room, explore with PKE meter, fight group of ghosts, repeat”. Best played in shorter intervals, unless you’re a diehard GB whore (or if this type of tedium does not bother you) or you’ll risk the chance of getting disenchanted/burnt out with the experience. Boss battles are almost all the same (sans a select few), which becomes monotonous after awhile AND your teammates AI is somewhat suspect on later stages (or throughout the entire campaign if you’re attempting to play through on the highest difficulty). Watching your teammates stand directly in the line of fire, or fail to move out of the way of giant monsters when YOU yourself can easily dodge with the tap of a button is a common problem, as is friendly fire and stream crossing. You WILL spend a good portion of your later stages running around and resurrecting your party, especially during the “stone cherubs” section.

Ugly: Major lack of replay value in this one. Seriously, unless you’re a full blown achievement whore, or you’re REALLY into the online component you’ll be done with this when you finish the Career. Aforementioned “stone cherubs” section saw a massive difficulty spike which came out of nowhere, wherein you will be one or two shotted on multiple occasions, only for your teammate to negate attempting to revive you. If you’re playing GB on it’s hardest difficulty, get ready to memorize the loading screen “hints”, as you’ll see that screen at least 10 times. This one 4 minute section is actually harder than any other encounter in the entire game (including all boss/mini boss encounters), and it’s highly suspect that the developers balanced it at all to keep with the general difficulty curve of the title. This is a pure misstep based on lazy design and the gimmick of a weapon.

End Result: It’s a $30 dollar game at most, as that’s what you’ll really get out of it. Roughly 8-14 hours long based on difficulty level and amount of time you spend searching with the PKE meter, and no real reason to go back once you’ve finished it. But for the time spent, it’s one hell of a ride (and if your a GB fan, you’re going to love this – but just don’t pay $60 for it; Get it used, borrow it, rent it, anything other than a full price purchase)